things that do not bring on labour

So, we’re at 40 weeks and 4 days, and not a twinge in sight. I’ve decided to use this time to compile a list of things that you shouldn’t bother trying in order to induce a baby – in the name of science they do not work…

1) Chicken Tikka Massala – just not spicy enough.

2) Cider making (not sure why this might work, but doesn’t so don’t even bother)

3) Vigourous weeding. You’d think some exercise and all that bending over might help, but just makes you light headed.

4) Cleaning up the chicken coop. See above.

5) Raspberry leaf tea. Ok, so maybe 1 or 2 cups just isn’t enough.

6) Making plans to go out. Was sure that this would work, but nope.

Will continue to add things as I think of them. I personally blame Mr G&T as his catch phrases are “5 more minutes” and “I’ll do it later” which have clearly been passed genetically on to HIS child.

In the mean time, I’ll just sit around like a whale and wait for his / her majesty to make an appearance. After all, I don’t have anything better to do.


August 30, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . birth, third trimester. 1 comment.

We’ll have to call it Limpy


Well yesterday was the due date, and quelle suprise, no baby turned up. In fact, not even a twinge, certainly no waters or show or anything. Just as well though as I hadn’t slept very well the night before and was utterly shattered. So only one day late and I am still not really feeling the ‘you’re gonna drop’ vibe, and I have a sneaky suspicion that I am going to end up being induced, like my Mum was for my sister and I. In the meantime, Button will just work on getting bigger and bigger.  3 of the 6 NCT couples have now had their babies and the odds are going higher and higher for me and a ceasarian / inducement (is that even a word?), but luckily none of them have used our names – don’t know what the politics there is, but sure to be a bit tricky.  Throw into the bag that I am spending my days on all fours because my baby is back to back and I know I’m not in for an easy ride (which is what got me there in the first place 😉 ).

So, our baby will be the last. I know it, and if that is the trend, it will actually be known as Limpy, always bringing up the rear. Which is fine, as someone has to. Hopefully it won’t be cursed with my competitive nature, as it will be gutted from day one.

August 27, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . birth, third trimester. Leave a comment.

A little light reading

Over the last few weeks as my body has been stopping me doing the normal stuff, I have been getting on with quite a bit of reading. I have been quite cautious to only pick slim books, so that I have a better chance of finishing them. This was getting quite pricy, but luckily the lovely Claudia has sent through an emergency care package of books to keep me going. Here is a quick run through of what I’ve read:

The Hunger Games (1 & 2). Basically Battle Royale for the western world. It isn’t a great work of literary genius, but I enjoyed book 1 so much that I immediately moved on to book 2 (a bit less good, but fun nonetheless).  A bunch of kids put in to a last man standing tornament by tyranically society… Book 1 is just out, and 2 to follow later in the year.

What I saw, and how I lied. Coming of age novel about a young teenager falling in love with an exserviceman in post war America. There’s a twist to the tale (of course there is) and a pineapple icebucket meets an untimely end, but to me the book was pretty blah.

Numbers. Always a sucker for these bleak teen stories about society drop outs – this one is about a girl who sees the exact date of death when she looks at people – and her struggle to try and change fate.  Very typically Chicken House publishing, but that isn’t a bad thing at all…

The Forest of Hands and Teeth. Post-apocalyptic zombie thriller in a setting a bit like M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. How do the town folk know that there is nothing beyond the perimeter fence? Because the Sisterhood tells them so.

Threads. Not quite out yet (7th Sept) this is a bit of girly fluff fun about growing up, finding your place in life, the fickleness of Hollywood, fashion and the tastiest smoothies from the V&A. Oh and the bit about making a difference to the world. Sounds hideous but actually really good. (plus I’ve got 2 copies if anyone wants one).

My Booky Wook. Russell Brand=Twat.

The Reluctant Fundamentalist. Ok so this sounds way too heavy-going for a bit of time filling reading, but actually it is bloody brilliant. Read it practically in one sitting. Challenges the post 9/11 perception of blokes with beards in the US. AND I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AT THE END.

Starting Over. When I left work I was given a box of lovely gifts, and among the sanitary washes and chocolate (all gone now btw) nestled this little gem from  Tony Parsons. I really loved his early books, and I think this was a real return to form for him.  Do transplanted organs have cellular memory? If so, Pig Heart Boy would have been stuffed. Plus, Mr G&T has the red converse as photographed on the jacket.

Cosmic. What’s not to love about any of Frank Cottrell Boyce’s books? Millions was fab, Framed was too cute for words and Cosmic is really good fun. The boy knows how to write a good book. If yet improbable – I mean how do five 12 year olds end up in space on their own???

So there we have it – and all the reasons why I have not turned to watching DVDs or Jeremy Vile. Come Dine With Me however is a different story altogether.

On the baby front, now that I am sitting around all day everyday, I am noticing how very hyperactive it is…

August 21, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . third trimester. 3 comments.

Enjoy it while it lasts…

… is something that EVERYONE is telling me. Shortly before they say that they didn’t, and regret it. So they must know how hard it is to sit around doing sweet fanny adams all day everyday.

I gave up working a week ago, and have exactly one week until my my due date. So what’s  been going on? My sister came to stay, and immediately plunged herself into washing up, I have had the plumber over to finish the half done radiators, next Tuesday, we are having the hall carpet fitted, I have napped, read, played computer games, lunched, watched TV, shopped, snacked etc etc. Seriously, I think I am actually one of those people that need the stimulation of work to stop them going slowly insane. Yesterday’s high point was buying a cat collar, and by 11.30 I was back home again having peaked.

Two of the six NCT girls have had their babies (early) and all naturally, and on the average group statistics, it means that of the four of us left, we’ve got a ceasarian and an induction to go.  Not liking my chances.

My bladder is now so pathetic that I spend more time weeing than sleeping, unfortunately this doesn’t extend to pooing, as the constipation is back, and I can’t sit comfortably at all. Having said that I am still not THAT uncomfortable that I’m ready for the real pain. Oh and talking of pain, I’ve got my loan TENS and Jez won’t let me try it out on him. How rubbish is that?

Tonight we’re going out for the last time before the baby arrives for dinner – provided we’re both awake enough, and it’s for a curry, so watch this space…

August 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . third trimester. Leave a comment.

A whopper and chicken (legs) in basket

Last week I very wisely (for me) splashed out a collosal £3.99 on a cat net to stretch over the moses basket – to stop old Chicken Legs sitting on the baby. We tried it out for size the other day, and left it there. So imagine our surprise when we woke up this morning to see a furry little black face peeping over the edge of the basket, rather smugly I thought. Well that was money well spent. We of course told her off, but not before taking some snaps of her, ‘cos she is very cute.

Behold the cat net

I also went to see my midwife this morning, and was slightly upset by her expressions of surprise by how much baby I was actually carrying (and she’s quite experienced, so i didn’t think she did surprise). Combine that with the fact that my sister and I were both on the chubby side, she concluded that I’m on for an 8 or 9 pounder. IT’S NOT FAIR, I WANT A CUTE 6 AND A BIT POUNDER. Well, it’s only coming out one way now…

August 11, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . birth, third trimester. 3 comments.

Toilets, giant sanitary towels and washing up

Our little Button is now fully cooked. We know quite a few people who have had their babies at 37 weeks. This is a bit of wake up call for me and Mr G&T, as it has seemed to be ages away. However, in the last few days, I seem to have suddenly been ready.

I don’t think that it’s any one thing, but a combination of the following facts:

  1. I only have 2 days at work left (yay)
  2. My bladder is now crushed, and I visit the toilet every hour of the night
  3. I can’t get out of bed anymore without implementing the roll-on-to-all-fours-and-slide-out-backwards technique
  4. I am so constipated that when I go to the nasty communal work toilets, instead of being repulsed with the skidmarks, I am jealous
  5. My lovely mummy has come over to help out with all manner of tasks that I just can’t do anymore – including obsessively washing up*
  6. I am sleeping on a giant sanitary towel just in case my waters break
  7. I am actually expecting my waters to break at any point
  8. My ribs CANNAE take any more

Gotta save the mattress - it's memory foam you know.

So there we have it, 8 reasons why I might be finally accepting that we’re having a baby soon. I have my 38 week check up tomorrow, and I’ll eat my husband’s new hat if I’m not fully engaged by now (especially if it is dipped in chocolate). Now if I can just hold out until I’ve collected my gift from work, had the plumber in on Friday to finish sorting our radiators out, and for the carpet fitter to come over and sort the new stair carpet out, I’ll be laughing.

*I am not sure that pregnant people can’t wash up, but I’m happy to embrace the myth.

August 10, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . birth, third trimester. Leave a comment.

Stop, I’ve changed my mind

Oh my god, oh my god, I have 6 days of work left, and then just under 2 weeks later, that’s the day that the baby won’t appear, but theoretically should do. I thought that I’d be ready by now. Turns out that I’m not really. I’m going through the paces  – got around to booking my tens machine at the hospital on Friday, and double checked the hospital bags etc. Just, can’t quite grasp how real and imminent it is. I thought that I would be so fed up and uncomfortable by now, I wouldn’t care about the birth – I’d just want it out. However, didn’t bank on just mild discomfort – nothing worth ripping yourself over.

There are some developments though. In the last couple of days, my bladder has become ridiculous. I have to wee all the time, then I get there, and it wouldn’t even fill a tea spoon, if you know what I mean.

I have also decided that I should make like a toddler, and not leave the house without some clean dry knickers and trousers with me. Knowling my luck, my waters will break in the office in Swindon, and I will have to walk through the office looking like I’ve wet myself, and then somehow drive an hour back home. Not entirely sure if you can drive with drippy waters.

The baby’s room is ready – just need to wash sheets and make the cot up, and wait for Mr G&T to clear the last bits of his old crap out of there. Honestly, I have NEVER known anyone with so much stuff.

In the mean time, we are enjoying chilling out, and doing stuff like going out in an evening. Hell, in the next week or so we might even go to the cinema.

I am also going to get my hair cut and dyed so that I will not always look back at the hospital photos and think that this was a stage in which I really let myself go!

August 2, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . birth, third trimester. 2 comments.

A new week, a new beginning

35 1/2 weeks down into this whole gestating lark and things are nearly starting to come together. We’ve nearly bought everything we need, the hospital bags are nearly packed, and the bathroom is nearly finished…

This last bit was the result of my dad and Jez having a very productive and hardworking Sunday morning and blitzing a whole pile of little jobs. The only problem was that the new dimmer switch in the baby’s room strobes like an 80s disco, and could induce an epileptic fit. Who knew that energy saving lightbulbs did that?

it is lovely, you know

it is lovely, you know

I would also like lots of comments passed on the excellent tiling. That was my job.

Tomorrow I’m off to see the midwife who is weighing me. Am not so keen on that, but if I can have a really good poo before hand, I might be able to pull something back.

I would type more, but I can only see half the page due to the size of this netbook monitor and the insistence of wordpress of having floating boxes all over the bloody screen. I just want to scroll. So god knows what this actually says…

July 27, 2009. Tags: , , , , . third trimester. 3 comments.

Holiday camp update

So, following yesterday’s outpouring of misery, my mum and dad have decided that actually we do need a bit of help, and despite phoning me all day while I was trying to work, have agreed to come over and help blitz the jobs.

Thank you.  x

July 20, 2009. third trimester. 1 comment.

It’s not a bloody holiday camp

I am starting to get acutely aware of how little time there is left before Button arrives in this world. And I know that once that happens, we will not finish any of the diy jobs left to do around the house – well not for years, anyway.

I don’t want this to be confused with nesting. The instinct to tidy cutlery drawers isn’t really there, and it’s not even me being picky (the want to get rid of the paint-stained, burnt, fraying stair carpet). No this is things like fixing the bathroom light, so that we don’t have to wee by torchlight in the evening, or attaching the radiator to the bathroom wall, taking the collection of broken vaccum cleaners to the tip etc etc. I am trying to do all these things myself, but find people are standing in my way – “you can’t do that, you’re pregnant”, “”we’ll do it later”. But actually no-one bloody does it. I am totally at the end of my teather. CAN NO-ONE ELSE SEE THAT WE NEED THESE LITTLE JOBS DONE?

I am doing as much as I can do, and would do more, but am finding irritating physical challenges – too short, too fat, too weak etc. We have had lots of help from lovely Matt & Sarah and Sarah’s dad, but I can’t ask them for anything else. That would be taking the piss.

I have asked my parents (yes, and I know you read this) and they aren’t exactly reaching for the toolbox to help out, and Jez’s parents were over this weekend, and didn’t lift a bloody finger either. Just wanted to have a nice weekend away. Well that’s great, but have it somewhere else. I have stuff to do.

I’ll probably pay for a handyman to come in and do all of these little jobs that I could do if only I wasn’t incapacitated. This means that we’ll have to stick with our fridge freezer which is leaking, and has consequently ruined the laminate flooring in the kitchen. S0 that’ll need redoing. But no point, if the appliances are just going to ruin it anyway.

I promise I am not being fussy. I can live with the mushrooms in the downstairs shower, walls painted nearly to the top, but not quite. and the cooker hood stuck together with cellotape. I just need a hand. For a day. That is all. And clearly it is too much to ask. So I’ll just have to lump it.

Right, off to build the flatpack furniture in the nursery now. Just as well I’m on a 3 day week, I have to go back to work for a rest.

July 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , . third trimester. Leave a comment.

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